By Stephanie Jones, Registered Provisional Psychologist
What is your attachment style? Whether you’ve been scrolling through social media, chatting with friends, or having deep conversations with your romantic partner of choice, it’s likely that you have run across the term attachment style. But what is an attachment style? And why does it matter?
Key Players
The book Attached by psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine, MD, may be your one-stop-shop to navigating the world of attachment styles. In fact, you’re likely to find a copy or two in our offices. But, did you know that you’ve been “attached” since you were an infant?
John Bowlby developed the attachment behavioral system, a system which describes the way that infants form bonds with their caregivers through serve-and-return patterns. Bowlby’s theory posits that infants who get a greater sense of back-and-forth with their caregiver (imagine a baby reaching out for attention and a caregiver playing peek-a-boo in return) actually have a greater chance of surviving to adulthood.
Another key player in attachment history is Mary Ainsworth. Ainsworth developed a research study called the Strange Situation, which involved mothers briefly leaving their infants with a stranger in a room before returning. Researchers focused on the level of distress that infants exhibited when the mothers left to determine their pattern of attachment.
Attachment Styles in Infants
- Secure: An infant that is securely attached will explore its surroundings while the mother is present and exhibit mild distress when the mother leaves the room. When the mother returns to the room, the secure child will seek contact with the mother for reassurance.
- Anxious: An anxious/ambivalent infant will cling to its mother or resist its mother’s attention. When the mother leaves the room, the anxious/ambivalent child will experience distress but not be soothed when the mother returns. Children who experience this pattern often have inconsistent or indifferent mothers.
- Avoidant: Children who are labeled avoidant as infants may interact very little with their mothers, whether they leave or return to the room, and act similarly towards both their mothers and strangers. Children who experience this pattern often have impatient, unresponsive, or extremely overstimulating mothers.
- Disorganized/Disoriented: 80% of infants who exhibit fear, confusion, or other disorganized attachment patterns have experienced mistreatment by their caregivers.
So, What is My Attachment Style?
While the above attachment patterns are indicative of the infant-mother patterns in the 70s and 80s, what can attachment styles tell us about our relationship patterns now?
You Might be Anxious Attached If…
- You want to be very close very quickly
- You are very sensitive to your partner’s moods
- You worry about why your partner hasn’t texted back yet
- You feel constantly fatigued and your energy is zapped
- You feel like something is wrong with you
- You fear your partner may leave you at any moment
You Might be Avoidant Attached If…
- You value independence over everything else
- You feel uncomfortable with too much intimacy
- You think vulnerability is a weakness
- You don’t want to be perceived as needy
- You worry about being caged in
- You think there’s something wrong with your partner
You Might be Disorganized/Disoriented If…
- You experience both avoidant and anxious traits above
You Might be Secure Attached If…
- You aren’t worried about showing up as your true self
- You repair easily after conflict
- You don’t hold grudges or play games in relationships
- You enjoy intimacy as much as independence
- You’re not worried about asking for help
- You are comfortable setting and communicating boundaries
Bottom Line
The bottom line is that our attachment styles can play a huge role in our relationships with others, from romantic to friendship to colleagues and everything in between. It’s important to understand your attachment style so that you can start to recognize and self-reflect on how you behave when you’re around others. Do you impatiently wait for your date to respond to a text for hours and send them walls of text just in case they didn’t see the first few? Or, are you more likely to ghost your date when they’ve gotten too close? Or, do you show up as your genuine and authentic self knowing that if someone doesn’t like you that you’ll be okay in the end?
The good news is that attachment styles are not completely fixed. They can change, just like our brains have neuroplasticity and our muscles stretch. The more you practice feeling secure with yourself and with people you love and trust, the more likely you will feel secure in new relationships.
Our Choice Point Psychological therapists in Calgary model secure attachment foundations so that you can feel reassured knowing that your therapist is not going to ghost you after a particularly challenging session. You get to be you.
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